A (Very) Short History of Mes Amours

This is why I keep all my old diaries. Yes, they record the most humiliating, embarrassing, idiotic moments of my life, but they're also kinda like movies that are so bad they're good.

So, here it goes--a short history of the amours of Joey, from teenage to adulthood. (It's not a complete history, of course, a complete history would require a blog post the size of the Bible.)

1994: Sushant has hair like Bruce Lee. I think he likes me. He wrote "sexy" in the dust on the seat of my Kinetic. He recorded a cassette just for me. The first song on Side A is "Kya Ada Kya Jalwa Tere Paro". He said it reminds him of me.

1996: Ravi definitely likes me. Yesterday, he threw water balloons at me and then followed me to school. He's old, he's in college but he has a nice smile. I'm definitely in love with him.

1997: Prashant wants to talk to me but granny will skin me alive if she knows I'm talking to boys so we made up a code and I gave him my phone number. When he calls, he'll say "scout's" and we'll talk only if I reply "honour". I think I'm going to fail the Hindi paper. I hate Premchand.

1998: Taslim set fire to the chairs today. He is so handsome.

1999: Selva broke up with me. Last week he said I had nice legs. This week he said he doesn't want to see me again. I am having feelings of great sadness and loneliness. I think I'll go hide in the basement library.

2000: The world is going to end this year. I can feel it in my bones. I wonder if I should call Mansur. Maybe not. I don't think he's my boyfriend. I'm not sure, though. I have no idea what's happening. I feel funny.

2001: Rana has a girlfriend. Dammit. I wonder if I should be a slut and use my feminine wiles to break them up. If they get married, I'll hunt them down and torture them.

2002: Why didn't the fucking world end in 2000? Arun's mother told me that I led her son down paths of sin. Who says things like "paths of sin"? Psycho bitch. He didn't even stand up for me. Asshole.

2003: Colin is an ignorant moron. He had a Degas print on his wall and didn't even know what it was. He said that art is of no value to anyone, just because I recognized it and he doesn't know jackshit. I will never see him again.

2004: I can't stand Jatti. I don't understand why I'm dating him. I think I'll date him for one more month, see how it goes. Why am I sleeping with a Jat called Jatti?

2005: Oh my god. Feroze is stalking me. Wanker. I saw his car parked outside my house last night and he was still sitting there when I went out this morning. If he gets within talking distance I'm going to kick him in his goolies.

2006: I haven't been on a date this year. Damn. I miss sex.

2007: I haven't been on a date this year. I don't even miss sex.

2008: I've started talking to myself all the time. Is that normal?

2009: I need more glitter. I like dipping cardboard pieces in Fevicol and then dipping them in glitter. I should learn how to knit too. I could make tiny hats for my pet rocks.