Will I Ever Find True Love?

It's something I have always wondered since I was 13. No, I didn't develop early like Rachel Green of FRIENDS, the sitcom. But I had an elder sister who was about 17 then, and had a series of boys lining up to take her out. My sister got married at 21, to the love of her life! Yes, some people do have all the luck! I was insanely jealous because my brother-in-law is quite the catch!

And so in every boy I dated thence, I looked for Mr. Right. I went out on my first date at 15. It was my sister's friend. He was 2 years older than her, which means he was 21 then. I'd thought he was the bees knees. Yes, yes, I realise, he was probably too gross to get a girl his age; or he was just a creep who liked them young. Anyway, that lasted a few months and went into the pooper when he started dating a friend of mine, who was 13! Well, so we know that he WAS gross, and also a creep!

And thereafter there was no looking back in how many men let me down - The guy who wanted to marry me when I was 18, the guy who came in his pants just as we held hands (no pun intended), the guy who was obsessed with my best friend and went out with me to take revenge because she'd dumped him (rightly so, you might say), the guy who used the F word as punctuation, the guy who was addicted to (other) women wearing leather underwear...to name a few.

And these are some who liked me, but I thought of them as friends, so they went out of their way to screw my happiness - The one who never kissed (me) but did tell, the married man (a childhood friend) who said we should have sex because we didn't when we were 15 (don't ask me what that means!),the one who threatened to tell my then boyfriend that I slept with him (the "pal" guy), the one who'd cry if I said I was too sleepy to talk on the phone at 3 AM, the guy whom I met just once and who said he'll move cities for me and that he'd thought of me and masturbated, the one who promised to kill himself if I didn't sleep with him (and then broke his promise even though I didn't! No integrity, I tell you!), the guy who wrote letters with vermillion or sindoor to make me think it was blood...to name a few yet again.

And then there are some who I thought were my soul mates, yet unavailable to me - The guy who looked like Jim Morrison and drank like him too (married my friend, ended up in rehab, of course), the guy who taught film-making at NID and turned out to be gay, the guy who wrote poetry and strummed the guitar but never took a bath, the guy who had wonderfully long hair, BUT heard that it was indeed long everywhere (eww), the guy who had the best lips but never flushed the loo...to name, well, you know, a lot.. :D

And so when Roberto and I started having long-distance problems, I realised that I was better off being addicted to the internet. And slowly I found a friend in the internet. Whether it was companionship or gossip or information or simply trivia, it had everything I'd ever wanted in a man and yet never once let me down. I began to rely on it more and more for every little thing. And then, this was the last straw. I started using "The Magic 9 Ball" a so-called soothsaying online site, in hopes of knowing what my future holds for me. And this time, even the internet showed me my place!

Click here to enlarge the image below!



WILL I EVER FIND TRUE LOVE? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Noor - It's Been So Long That...

Introducing Noor: Miss-Know-It-All! NO, she really does - about music, books, science, movies - can spell or pronounce any word you give her, will cross-check every piece of information you give her about any subject - 5 feet 5 inches tall, slim-shouldered, long-legged, dusky, even-toothed 420 watt smile, tousled wavy black hair - she's the Indian woman the smart guy dreams of. But all's not well here either. Noor's not been out on a date for so long that...

Noor, Maya and Joey were having lunch together. They usually do. The boys in their department join them sometimes. But the girls enjoy their girlie lunches once in a way, and these days it seems to have become essential.

Noor seemed to be lost in her thoughts. And then she suddenly said, "You know over Diwali, I was so thrilled that a 12-year old boy in the neighbourhood asked me out."

"Don't be a moron. 12-year old kids don't ask ANYONE for dates, leave alone you." Joey hissed. "No, no, it's true. He did." insisted Noor urgently. "Come on Noorie, you can't be serious," even Maya refused to support her on this one.

"See he came to my house and said, will you come down to burst crackers with me?" Noor revealed a little sheepishly.

"THAT'S NOT A DATE!" Joey and Maya yelled.

"It's been so long that...." Noor stopped mid-sentence. Raucous laughter drowned her voice.

Joey's Diary - Famous Last Lines

Dear Diary,

There are some dates that are doomed to end before they start. You find that the guy is good-looking on the outside but a complete moron on the inside. So, in ascending order, recorded for all posterity, ten famous last lines:

#10
Mr. Man: So tell me, what are your hobbies?
Joey: Oh god, do you also have a scrapbook?

#9
Mr. Man: I have a dog called Pepsi. I think you'll love him.
Joey: Pepsi...can you get me one right now...(while I escape)

#8
Mr. Man: I've seen Zoolander twelve times. Have you seen it?
Joey: I thought you said you'd watched and liked it when you were twelve!

#7
Mr. Man: I want to know everything about you.
Joey: (runs away)

#6
Mr. Man: I love kids. Do you like kids?
Joey: Sometimes. When they're imaginary. Or unborn.

#5
Mr. Man: I heard it's a cute movie. Let's go together.
Joey: You just said "cute". Let's not.

#4
Mr. Man: I got this silver ring for you from Jaipur.
Joey: Frodo? Is that you?

#3
Mr. Man: So tell me, what do you think of me?
Joey: I don't. For when I try, I get a woolly, vacant feeling in my head.

#2
Mr. Man: I will find the chink in your armour.
Joey: I think I'm going to barf.

#1
Mr. Man: You have a lot of books. Hey, can I borrow this one?
Joey: Stop touching my books! STOP TOUCHING THEM. ARGH.

How To Ask A Diva For A Date?

The answer to the question is simple - Be in the right place, at the right time, say the right thing, wearing the right thing and feeling the right thing and wanting the right thing!

How tough is that?

Joey asked Maya to stop fuming over the email from the insane guy you read about in "Don't Hit On Me..." But Maya was still not sure that she should reject all (strange/stranger) men who emailed! How else was she likely to meet anyone? It's not like Ahmedabad had any real culture. No plays, no pubs, no half decent libraries, no classy uni-sex salons...HOW??? Work? Please, the men at work are probably antidotes to anything remotely sexual or romantic. Of course she was being idiotic about the no-email-male!

"Ok, so how would you like to get asked out?" Maya queried. "For what? Date? Sex? Friendship?" Joey needs the specifics. Always. "For anything! What DOES it take for a guy to get YOU!"

Joey's eyes rolled with drama! "SIGH. So far, all the approachers have only made me feel violent feelings towards them. I guess I don't like knowing in advance that it's going to be a date or whatever, knowing makes me nervous. But if I'm going to be asked out, I like people who keep it simple, subtle, non-cheesy, non-aggressive, no-nonsense and don't get all glaringly datey about it.

Also, if the first time you ask me out you do it via SMS or email or a telephone call, you'll never get into my pants. NEVER. EVER.

Not a chance in hell I'd become friends with anyone over Facebook etc. I view Facebook with suspicion, distrust and slight paranoia."

Maya realised that is exactly how she felt, a little relieved she took the elevator with Joey and walked into the evening to head home for some self-enforced "me time".

The feeling doesn't leave...is there anywhere one can meet a half-decent man in the city?

Disclaimer: Joey and Maya are complicated women. But why not? If you want ridiculously intelligent women, with guts that can scar and humor that can make you cry, then you've gotta beat the insanely regular!

Will I Ever Go On A Date Again?

Maya and Joey, both single women, were sitting in an auto-rickshaw. It was the end of the day, and the beginning of a long evening before it was time to turn off the lights, sleep, wake up the following morning and begin the rigmarole all over again.

This city, we call passionately, Ahmedabad - or fondly, No Sex In This City!

28, stable job, writes for a passion, has done it for a living, a bod to die for - Joey lit a cigarette, and out of the blue quipped, "Will I ever go on a date again?" Maya was surprised. She'd thought a girl like Joey would have trouble keeping the bad boys off. Apparently not.

"Seriously, do you know how long it has been since I went on a date?" Silence. "Been years, at least 3. Scared to say 4." Maya thought of her complicated long-distance boyfriend.

"The last two dates I had, ended badly." Was that a lament? "Come on, it can't be that bad." Maya consoled her friend.

"Ok, so I went on a date, to the pool-side cafe at Fortune Landmark. This dud-stud came wearing a t-shirt I hated. I sat down at the table, but half-way through the meal, I was like I have to go. He looked stunned! But I just had to leave. I hated his t-shirt! And I told him to finish the hamburger. I hated that too!"

For a minute there was silence. But Maya couldn't resist, "And the second one?"

"Well, that was going well. We could've had something going. We were mixing cocktails in the kitchen, or making a salad, I don't know what, and suddenly I felt a hug grab me from behind! I froze. It had been so long since I had been hugged by a man, that I froze. And when I un-froze, I ran for dear life."

So let's think, who can we ask out to beat the daily routine. We came up with the perfect answer....NO ONE.

Welcome to Ahmedabad, the place where single, intelligent women like Joey and Maya will die single.