Hate Mail: 5 Gemstones From A Guy

Maya, Joey and Noor are really honoured to get so much attention from a guy. It's been so long that, even this makes them giggle. Here's the mail, with the two penny bit from the girls!

"It's perchance that I stumbled upon this blog. And I can't help it, with so much male-bashing in this blog, it makes sense to stand up for the guys. Don't jump all over me for being anon. If you want to find me, you just need to look over your shoulder. Not literally... moron!"

Maya: I don't believe you stumbled upon it. I am sure you're on my FB list!
Joey: "stumbled upon" - Are you hurt Mr. Man?
Noor: Good grief!

First, your characters Joey and Maya are no divas. Joey is a guy's name... ever heard of Friends? Except in rare cases of highly misplaced gender sensibility it is not. From what I see here, they are just pouty, raucous, slightly better-than-average looking (and brained, which explains a lot) females, who have whiled away their girly days dreaming of Mel Gibson only to wake up in late spinster-hood that they are still single and with not lot many options to mingle.

Maya: Pffftttt! Joe, is that one of your rejects?
Joey: I think I threw up a little.
Noor: Too many archaic thoughts!

So while you seem so clueless as to why you (or your alter egos M&J) can never have a date these days, here are a few pointers:

1. Introspect: The pimply faced no-good looking next door lass has two kids in tote and you are still thinking about dates. Think as to what she's got that you ain't got. And get rid of the myopic vision of a prince in shining armor waiting to sweep you off your feet. The prince already has his bele and rides away into the sunset. Which means you ain't it, princess!

Maya: *introspects* Who's talking about shining armor, I was talking about mindless _ _ _
Joey: Dude, learn to spell "belle"!
Noor: *Speechless* So much wisdom makes me cry!

2. Accept: You will be categorically ticking off all of above as incorrectly surmised about you. Denial is expected. If you are good at fooling yourself, there's no hope except prayer. So don't deny that you have a more than perfect expectation from the Mr. Man. News baby! Above-average is not perfect, and if you haven't hooked it right so far, it is time to rethink your expectations.

Maya: We ARE saying that there is NO HOPE!
Joey: Re-think my expectations, why? Ew...
Noor: Prayer? Really archaic...! And I'm doomed, I don't even believe in God!

3. Speak: Yes, I will ask a gal what her hobbies are. But definitely this isn't my opening line. This is reserved for those pricey acting twerps for whom I'll be spending a significant hour or so of my life trying to communicate with. Opening your mouth doesn't mean you have to close out with a bj. Unless you are the most googled celebrity on earth, chances are I know nothing about you or your interests. And more often than not, I don't give a damn about them either. So try to be more forthcoming. A conversation is a partnership and you have to do your bit.

Maya: Twerp? Really, Archie comics? At your age? Hmmmm
Joey: Hey, I am opening my mouth, *yawwwn*
Noor: I am NOT a gal! And none of the girls I know are either! Thankfully I'm no gal!

4. Listen: Unless you weigh a ton and are about to fall on me from the floor above, I don't really care if you have a few extra pounds around your love handles. So don't crib about the few extra grams you have put on since morning. Yet, even if that's all you can think of, then listen to what I have to say. I don't claim to know the perfect answer, but I am entitled to an opinion too.

Maya: Like I said, Hrithik Roshan? Fire away with the diet tips, or RIP!
Joey: NO! You are NOT entitled to any opinion! This is OUR blog.
Noor: I will crib about whatever I want and to whoever and whenever...!

5. Understand: When I am going to look at you, I might very well be undressing you in my mind. But that isn't all that I do all the time. I can think of other things too. So when you see me gazing at you, don't always assume you are losing your clothes. I could be imagining a Porsche of the same color as your top or thinking why you remind me of the divorced witch I am trying to forget.

Maya: I understand, I almost have a diagnosis under the DSM IV for you!
Joey: Aha, you're divorced!!! HA HA HA
Noor: mind - undressing - cars - too many boy things! Where are all the men?

So there you have it. Five small gems of wisdom from the other side. In closing, the world is fortunately not made up of you only. When faced with a Mr. Man who irritates you, see if you can still find five things that you can like about him. He probably did the same and hence is trying to connect with you. Concentrate on the five things and you will find your perspective will be a lot brighter than usual.

Maya: Thanks Mr. Man!
Joey: Loser!
Noor: This is NOT a Hugh Grant movie! I am not writing 5 nice things about any man who bugs me, unless he's my boss!

And if you don't there's no loss either. It only goes on to prove the last line:

"The reason why men prefer turning gay is because the alternative is sleeping with you!"

Maya, Joey, Noor, all the gay men, all the gay women, all the smart straight women, all the sensible men: CHORUS IN UNISON: F.U.C.K O.F.F