The Lies We Women Tell

Disclaimer: This is just about the lies that WE - my friends and I tell.

I drink about 8 beers every weekend. And at least 4 beers each on weekdays.
No, this is not an alcoholic’s confession. This is my friend Angie. She loves to watch men squirm in their seats.

This is just my second cigarette. I swear.
A lie I have used often with men. In my defense, I have actually stopped smoking and now enjoy a few when I have more than 3 drinks. I guess I am embarrassed about my habit. May be that’s why I am always attracted to men who don’t smoke. And then I have to lie to them because I don’t want them to think of me as a chimney! Complicated? Well, yeh toh Maya hai!

I have slept with just 1 guy. And I thought he was THE one.
I have at least 3 girlfriends who admitted telling this lie. The reason is obvious. Men don’t like “what’s been around”! And what they don’t know, they’ll never find out, and it will never harm them. The virgin hangover is still BIG in India. Remember Tony from “Ajab Prem Ki…”?

I sleep with random men I meet in bars. I believe in one night stands.
A lie that one of my friends used with every single guy she met for arranged marriage! Her parents were surprised why the ugliest and the least educated men also rejected their daughter. They never found out!

Tip for the almost 30 ladies. Use the two lies above depending on the men you’re around. If you meet a guy who’s the marriage-marriage kinds, use lie #3 and if you meet the slut of a guy, simple, use #4. But what if you meet someone who’s not on either extreme? Do what Melanie does!

I have slept with just __________ men.
This Melanie’s favourite lie. This number varies. It will always be a little less than what the guy says. Why? “Don’t want to scare him away.” But Mel, would you start a relationship based on a lie? “Well, yea. Because when I tell this lie, we’re not even in a relationship. And once we are, it shouldn’t matter right?” What’s the real number, Mel? “It’s not that high, it’s average by international standards.”

I don’t have sexual fantasies about other men.
I know several women friends who’ve used this lie. So much so, that when we’re discussing sex, their boyfriends/husbands tell me, it is different for women – they are more emotional about sex. We men are wired this way; we can’t help but think about hot chicks in leather panties. And when we have our pajama rounds happening, the women are almost in tears confessing their lust for the gym instructor.

I sleep only with women / I am straight.
One of my very good and dear friends is bi-sexual. She lies to her female partners saying she’s a lesbian. And she tells her male partners she’s straight. Her logic is quite understandable. “People are finicky. I am unlikely to end up with such people. So why miss the opportunity of good sex, which is a rare commodity in any case!"

I make _______________ lacs a year.
One of my brightest friends is a super successful financial consultant. She went out with this guy who was her age, as intelligent and worked for a rival MNC. She had to lie about everything to appear dumber than he was. She actually told him that she earned 1L per annum LESS than he did, because he just couldn’t admit that she was gorgeous and intelligent. He also told her that she didn’t have the brains of getting a 650 on her GMat. Well, she doesn’t need to anymore. She dumped him and is happily married now.

Of course I went home and had a bath after a swim!
I usually bathe in the shower rooms near the swimming pool. But I went out with this guy once who suffered from “Fear of Contamination” and I used to fib to him that I went home and had a bath. But I guess he guessed that I didn’t and kept asking me. I dumped him. I mean if I am not clean enough, then don’t go out with me, but stop bugging the life out of me you clean fool!

I live with my brother and he doesn’t appreciate me bringing men home. In fact, he gets together with his friends and beats the guys up!
That’s Joey for you. Women who live alone enjoy the space to bring men over. Not our Joe. She thinks of it as an invasion of her privacy. It’s weird, but then she is weird right! Come on, she didn’t want to even meet the Unicorn.

I weigh 70kgs.
Women are known to lie about their weight, meaning shoving a few kilos off, right? Well, not me. I add kilos to my actual weight, a whole lot more! Why? That way if he continues to talk to me, he can be pleasantly surprised when I meet him! And if he doesn’t, well, I’m still better off! Doesn’t harm me, does it now?

I like you. Can we go out again?
You’ve heard of women lying to men that they don’t like them, so this seems ridiculous? Well, believe it or not, this lie is used by our very sarcastic Ms. Joe. Why? Well, in her words, “I hardly ever get to wear my nice outfits. Or go out on dates. So the half-decent ones, I just lie to them.” Well, it’s been sooooo long that……we’ll forgive Joe’s lie.

Statutory Warning: This is not to encourage women to lie. This is not even meant to entertain. This is merely to tell the truth about our lies. We are like this only ;)