Anti-Climax in a Bookstore

Ahmedabad lacks two things. Good men, and good bookstores. They say that some women (like Joey and me, may be?) may even prefer a good book to a man. It's true. I'd rather re-read an old favourite than try out a blind date.

So there I was at Crosswords, the only thing that can pass off for a bookstore in Ahmedabad. I went to look for Orhan Pamuk's "My Name Is Red".

Anyway, so I did what I usually do. I plonked myself on the floor at the Indian Fiction section. And I stacked a whole lot of books that I wanted to check out. And by that I mean, reject with disdain.

I was having a quiet time. I was just beginning to enjoy myself tching tching about the downfall of Indian literature, when I saw HIM standing oh too close for comfort.

Nice cologne. First thought. Tick - No body odour. Thankfully. I swear I don't intentionally start ticking off a mental list, but it just happens. I am so much in search of "my kinda guy" that it's almost like breathing now, you know!

He picked up Amitav Ghosh's "The Glass Palace". Immediate thought. Tick - Likes the same books as me. Some people don't like this book, some people love it. I am one of those who read it repeatedly for relaxation, i.e. I worship it.

He knelt down to look at a few books in a lower shelf. I got a chance to see his shoes. Loafers. With socks. Green and pink. I was really surprised. I am constantly looked down upon by my friends for wearing socks that are bright and most often don't match my outfits. No I am serious. My friend MN, got me 32 pairs from Dubai last year. Pretty, different colours, with stars, ankle length. I will always remember her. As I will, this man with the green and pink socks. Tick - wears lovely socks. Tick, tick - wears PINK!

I found myself giving him a side-long glance. Hey, it's been like years since I did that. But come on, this man and I did have some karmic connection, no? I liked his clothes. Simple. Muted. Faded jeans. Frayed at several places. Gray sweatshirt. Looked worn out.

Rule 1 of dressing down - only 1 item of your clothing can be loud.
Rule 2 of dressing down? Sometimes socks will be the entire outfit.

This man had me eating out of his hand. But waittaminnit. He wasn't even looking at me. That's odd. But okay, some men just take longer than others, right? And then he sat down on the floor. Tick - not fussy about sitting on the floor. Ah, soul mates. He went through each book slowly. He even picked up my friend's book, "A Grasshopper's Pilgrimage". I am partial towards my friends' books. That made me feel fondly for him. Tick - Reads peppy books written by friends on spirituality. Then, he turned towards me, didn't smile immediately. Looked. For a exactly 3 seconds. And smiled. Head rush. Tick - pearly, eventoothed smile.

I smiled back. I think. Don't know. I was scared he would ask me for my number. I was scared he would speak and burst the fairytale. I was scared, I admit, of being let down. Again. So I did what I knew best. Went back to my books and viciously, yes, more viciously than usual, pulled them down, albeit in my head, muttered audibly and put them back into the shelves.

And each time I did that, this gorgeous, almost perfect creature would give me an understanding smile. Damn, he was cute. But I knew I had to walk away.

He didn't make any attempt to follow me. I sighed. He WAS looking at the books and didn't mean to hit on me. I hid behind the music section so that I could get a clear yet distant view of his moves. He browsed more books, I couldn't see what though. I consoled myself, "It's okay, he must be gay in any case. Too good to be true baby. Go home and cry over your complicated relationship."

So I stopped stalking the poor man. I browsed the music section for a bit and then went to the check out counter. I saw the demi-god ahead of me 2 lines away. And this time I got a clear view of the books he had. It was then that I knew. It WAS too good to be true! Far away from "my kinda man".

What was he carrying you ask? "Five Point Someone", "One Night At A Call Centre" and "Two States". Chetan Bhagat. Not one. Not two. But three.

I have dated men whose idea of reading was Playboy and Gentleman. And men who had archived and serialized years of copies of Autocar and Inside Outside. And men who read Business Today for pleasure. And men who preferred women's magazines. But this is where I draw the line.

I hugged my copy of "My Name Is Red" and walked out. Relieved. Happy. Free.

Disclaimer: I have nothing against Chetan Bhagat. I don't know him. But I don't appreciate his books. I have nothing against people who read his books, they just can't be my boyfriends.

The Lies We Women Tell

Disclaimer: This is just about the lies that WE - my friends and I tell.

I drink about 8 beers every weekend. And at least 4 beers each on weekdays.
No, this is not an alcoholic’s confession. This is my friend Angie. She loves to watch men squirm in their seats.

This is just my second cigarette. I swear.
A lie I have used often with men. In my defense, I have actually stopped smoking and now enjoy a few when I have more than 3 drinks. I guess I am embarrassed about my habit. May be that’s why I am always attracted to men who don’t smoke. And then I have to lie to them because I don’t want them to think of me as a chimney! Complicated? Well, yeh toh Maya hai!

I have slept with just 1 guy. And I thought he was THE one.
I have at least 3 girlfriends who admitted telling this lie. The reason is obvious. Men don’t like “what’s been around”! And what they don’t know, they’ll never find out, and it will never harm them. The virgin hangover is still BIG in India. Remember Tony from “Ajab Prem Ki…”?

I sleep with random men I meet in bars. I believe in one night stands.
A lie that one of my friends used with every single guy she met for arranged marriage! Her parents were surprised why the ugliest and the least educated men also rejected their daughter. They never found out!

Tip for the almost 30 ladies. Use the two lies above depending on the men you’re around. If you meet a guy who’s the marriage-marriage kinds, use lie #3 and if you meet the slut of a guy, simple, use #4. But what if you meet someone who’s not on either extreme? Do what Melanie does!

I have slept with just __________ men.
This Melanie’s favourite lie. This number varies. It will always be a little less than what the guy says. Why? “Don’t want to scare him away.” But Mel, would you start a relationship based on a lie? “Well, yea. Because when I tell this lie, we’re not even in a relationship. And once we are, it shouldn’t matter right?” What’s the real number, Mel? “It’s not that high, it’s average by international standards.”

I don’t have sexual fantasies about other men.
I know several women friends who’ve used this lie. So much so, that when we’re discussing sex, their boyfriends/husbands tell me, it is different for women – they are more emotional about sex. We men are wired this way; we can’t help but think about hot chicks in leather panties. And when we have our pajama rounds happening, the women are almost in tears confessing their lust for the gym instructor.

I sleep only with women / I am straight.
One of my very good and dear friends is bi-sexual. She lies to her female partners saying she’s a lesbian. And she tells her male partners she’s straight. Her logic is quite understandable. “People are finicky. I am unlikely to end up with such people. So why miss the opportunity of good sex, which is a rare commodity in any case!"

I make _______________ lacs a year.
One of my brightest friends is a super successful financial consultant. She went out with this guy who was her age, as intelligent and worked for a rival MNC. She had to lie about everything to appear dumber than he was. She actually told him that she earned 1L per annum LESS than he did, because he just couldn’t admit that she was gorgeous and intelligent. He also told her that she didn’t have the brains of getting a 650 on her GMat. Well, she doesn’t need to anymore. She dumped him and is happily married now.

Of course I went home and had a bath after a swim!
I usually bathe in the shower rooms near the swimming pool. But I went out with this guy once who suffered from “Fear of Contamination” and I used to fib to him that I went home and had a bath. But I guess he guessed that I didn’t and kept asking me. I dumped him. I mean if I am not clean enough, then don’t go out with me, but stop bugging the life out of me you clean fool!

I live with my brother and he doesn’t appreciate me bringing men home. In fact, he gets together with his friends and beats the guys up!
That’s Joey for you. Women who live alone enjoy the space to bring men over. Not our Joe. She thinks of it as an invasion of her privacy. It’s weird, but then she is weird right! Come on, she didn’t want to even meet the Unicorn.

I weigh 70kgs.
Women are known to lie about their weight, meaning shoving a few kilos off, right? Well, not me. I add kilos to my actual weight, a whole lot more! Why? That way if he continues to talk to me, he can be pleasantly surprised when I meet him! And if he doesn’t, well, I’m still better off! Doesn’t harm me, does it now?

I like you. Can we go out again?
You’ve heard of women lying to men that they don’t like them, so this seems ridiculous? Well, believe it or not, this lie is used by our very sarcastic Ms. Joe. Why? Well, in her words, “I hardly ever get to wear my nice outfits. Or go out on dates. So the half-decent ones, I just lie to them.” Well, it’s been sooooo long that……we’ll forgive Joe’s lie.

Statutory Warning: This is not to encourage women to lie. This is not even meant to entertain. This is merely to tell the truth about our lies. We are like this only ;)

Noor's 10 worst break-up excuses

Some were given to me, some to my friends. But they have the dubious distinction of being the worst I've encountered.

#10 - "I’ve been thinking and this really doesn’t fit into my plan of things."

This is what my boyfriend in school told me. He couldn't plan his way down an empty street, let alone other 'things'. I think he picked this excuse randomly from some book.

#9 - "I think I’m falling in love with her best friend and I don’t know what to do."

I heard this in college from a guy who was dating a friend of mine. He ‘realized’ that he was falling in love with a friend of hers (not me, thankfully) and didn’t know what to do, so he tells another friend of hers – me. I wanted to throw up. My friend deserved better and I told her about the mindless jerk. She dumped him unceremoniously. Good girl.

#8 - "Come on, I couldn’t call you during my engagement! But you know I love you. Really."

A friend of mine, was cut up when the woman he loved got engaged to someone else. A day after the engagement, she calls him up and says these words. Common sense tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around and finally listened to it. Phew.

#7 - "I’m going to marry you. As soon as I divorce her."

Heard this one too often. All you smart women out there – dump the married man. Please.

#6 - "I don’t know whether my mother will like you."

This coming from a guy who was a few years younger than me was a bit too much. Bye bye, Norman Bates.

#5 - "I don’t how it happened, I’m sure I don’t love her. Really."

I once dated a guy who couldn’t spell ‘extraordinary’. This same guy sent his ex-girlfriend an ‘I loovvve yoouuu’ mail. And then, asked me to check his mail for him. Gave me his password. When I saw the ‘failure delivery’ msg to that mail, and confronted him – these were his brilliant words. Thank you, universe, for gifting me this ridiculous excuse to break up with him.

#4 - "I started feeling that you weren't there for me."

Two years in a long-distance relationship. I gave up my sleeping hours for this guy. Worked all day and then talked at night. There were nights I'd get 3 hours of sleep, and yet I'd get up and proof-read his projects. Then, I got a job where I had to travel a lot. A month later, I get this never-ending mail - which could be condensed to this one line. Said my goodbyes and spent the next half year travelling and NEVER regretted it.

#3 - "I can’t deal with how much you think."

Told to a friend of mine. Who is gorgeous, articulate, entertaining. But oh, she's also smart. Damn, I guess that was just too much for him. Well, at least he was smart enough to know how dumb he was. I'll give him that much.

#2 - "I think I like you as a sister/brother now."

Bleagh. I know lots of people who feel this way about their Ex's, but it's pretty gross to hear this when you're still in love with the other person.

#1 - "I didn't get the time. Really."

3 years of being together + one year of a bad break-up + one year of reconciliation. At the end of which I found out that he was cheating on me. When I asked him why he didn't tell me, I got this priceless gem. I had to laugh. Couldn't he have made something up? Something less mundane, something less boring? I mean 5 years of being together, one way or the other, deserved a little more imagination! Ah, well - it got to No. 1 on this list.