Will I Ever Find True Love?

It's something I have always wondered since I was 13. No, I didn't develop early like Rachel Green of FRIENDS, the sitcom. But I had an elder sister who was about 17 then, and had a series of boys lining up to take her out. My sister got married at 21, to the love of her life! Yes, some people do have all the luck! I was insanely jealous because my brother-in-law is quite the catch!

And so in every boy I dated thence, I looked for Mr. Right. I went out on my first date at 15. It was my sister's friend. He was 2 years older than her, which means he was 21 then. I'd thought he was the bees knees. Yes, yes, I realise, he was probably too gross to get a girl his age; or he was just a creep who liked them young. Anyway, that lasted a few months and went into the pooper when he started dating a friend of mine, who was 13! Well, so we know that he WAS gross, and also a creep!

And thereafter there was no looking back in how many men let me down - The guy who wanted to marry me when I was 18, the guy who came in his pants just as we held hands (no pun intended), the guy who was obsessed with my best friend and went out with me to take revenge because she'd dumped him (rightly so, you might say), the guy who used the F word as punctuation, the guy who was addicted to (other) women wearing leather underwear...to name a few.

And these are some who liked me, but I thought of them as friends, so they went out of their way to screw my happiness - The one who never kissed (me) but did tell, the married man (a childhood friend) who said we should have sex because we didn't when we were 15 (don't ask me what that means!),the one who threatened to tell my then boyfriend that I slept with him (the "pal" guy), the one who'd cry if I said I was too sleepy to talk on the phone at 3 AM, the guy whom I met just once and who said he'll move cities for me and that he'd thought of me and masturbated, the one who promised to kill himself if I didn't sleep with him (and then broke his promise even though I didn't! No integrity, I tell you!), the guy who wrote letters with vermillion or sindoor to make me think it was blood...to name a few yet again.

And then there are some who I thought were my soul mates, yet unavailable to me - The guy who looked like Jim Morrison and drank like him too (married my friend, ended up in rehab, of course), the guy who taught film-making at NID and turned out to be gay, the guy who wrote poetry and strummed the guitar but never took a bath, the guy who had wonderfully long hair, BUT heard that it was indeed long everywhere (eww), the guy who had the best lips but never flushed the loo...to name, well, you know, a lot.. :D

And so when Roberto and I started having long-distance problems, I realised that I was better off being addicted to the internet. And slowly I found a friend in the internet. Whether it was companionship or gossip or information or simply trivia, it had everything I'd ever wanted in a man and yet never once let me down. I began to rely on it more and more for every little thing. And then, this was the last straw. I started using "The Magic 9 Ball" a so-called soothsaying online site, in hopes of knowing what my future holds for me. And this time, even the internet showed me my place!

Click here to enlarge the image below!



WILL I EVER FIND TRUE LOVE? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Anti-Climax in a Bookstore

Ahmedabad lacks two things. Good men, and good bookstores. They say that some women (like Joey and me, may be?) may even prefer a good book to a man. It's true. I'd rather re-read an old favourite than try out a blind date.

So there I was at Crosswords, the only thing that can pass off for a bookstore in Ahmedabad. I went to look for Orhan Pamuk's "My Name Is Red".

Anyway, so I did what I usually do. I plonked myself on the floor at the Indian Fiction section. And I stacked a whole lot of books that I wanted to check out. And by that I mean, reject with disdain.

I was having a quiet time. I was just beginning to enjoy myself tching tching about the downfall of Indian literature, when I saw HIM standing oh too close for comfort.

Nice cologne. First thought. Tick - No body odour. Thankfully. I swear I don't intentionally start ticking off a mental list, but it just happens. I am so much in search of "my kinda guy" that it's almost like breathing now, you know!

He picked up Amitav Ghosh's "The Glass Palace". Immediate thought. Tick - Likes the same books as me. Some people don't like this book, some people love it. I am one of those who read it repeatedly for relaxation, i.e. I worship it.

He knelt down to look at a few books in a lower shelf. I got a chance to see his shoes. Loafers. With socks. Green and pink. I was really surprised. I am constantly looked down upon by my friends for wearing socks that are bright and most often don't match my outfits. No I am serious. My friend MN, got me 32 pairs from Dubai last year. Pretty, different colours, with stars, ankle length. I will always remember her. As I will, this man with the green and pink socks. Tick - wears lovely socks. Tick, tick - wears PINK!

I found myself giving him a side-long glance. Hey, it's been like years since I did that. But come on, this man and I did have some karmic connection, no? I liked his clothes. Simple. Muted. Faded jeans. Frayed at several places. Gray sweatshirt. Looked worn out.

Rule 1 of dressing down - only 1 item of your clothing can be loud.
Rule 2 of dressing down? Sometimes socks will be the entire outfit.

This man had me eating out of his hand. But waittaminnit. He wasn't even looking at me. That's odd. But okay, some men just take longer than others, right? And then he sat down on the floor. Tick - not fussy about sitting on the floor. Ah, soul mates. He went through each book slowly. He even picked up my friend's book, "A Grasshopper's Pilgrimage". I am partial towards my friends' books. That made me feel fondly for him. Tick - Reads peppy books written by friends on spirituality. Then, he turned towards me, didn't smile immediately. Looked. For a exactly 3 seconds. And smiled. Head rush. Tick - pearly, eventoothed smile.

I smiled back. I think. Don't know. I was scared he would ask me for my number. I was scared he would speak and burst the fairytale. I was scared, I admit, of being let down. Again. So I did what I knew best. Went back to my books and viciously, yes, more viciously than usual, pulled them down, albeit in my head, muttered audibly and put them back into the shelves.

And each time I did that, this gorgeous, almost perfect creature would give me an understanding smile. Damn, he was cute. But I knew I had to walk away.

He didn't make any attempt to follow me. I sighed. He WAS looking at the books and didn't mean to hit on me. I hid behind the music section so that I could get a clear yet distant view of his moves. He browsed more books, I couldn't see what though. I consoled myself, "It's okay, he must be gay in any case. Too good to be true baby. Go home and cry over your complicated relationship."

So I stopped stalking the poor man. I browsed the music section for a bit and then went to the check out counter. I saw the demi-god ahead of me 2 lines away. And this time I got a clear view of the books he had. It was then that I knew. It WAS too good to be true! Far away from "my kinda man".

What was he carrying you ask? "Five Point Someone", "One Night At A Call Centre" and "Two States". Chetan Bhagat. Not one. Not two. But three.

I have dated men whose idea of reading was Playboy and Gentleman. And men who had archived and serialized years of copies of Autocar and Inside Outside. And men who read Business Today for pleasure. And men who preferred women's magazines. But this is where I draw the line.

I hugged my copy of "My Name Is Red" and walked out. Relieved. Happy. Free.

Disclaimer: I have nothing against Chetan Bhagat. I don't know him. But I don't appreciate his books. I have nothing against people who read his books, they just can't be my boyfriends.

The Lies We Women Tell

Disclaimer: This is just about the lies that WE - my friends and I tell.

I drink about 8 beers every weekend. And at least 4 beers each on weekdays.
No, this is not an alcoholic’s confession. This is my friend Angie. She loves to watch men squirm in their seats.

This is just my second cigarette. I swear.
A lie I have used often with men. In my defense, I have actually stopped smoking and now enjoy a few when I have more than 3 drinks. I guess I am embarrassed about my habit. May be that’s why I am always attracted to men who don’t smoke. And then I have to lie to them because I don’t want them to think of me as a chimney! Complicated? Well, yeh toh Maya hai!

I have slept with just 1 guy. And I thought he was THE one.
I have at least 3 girlfriends who admitted telling this lie. The reason is obvious. Men don’t like “what’s been around”! And what they don’t know, they’ll never find out, and it will never harm them. The virgin hangover is still BIG in India. Remember Tony from “Ajab Prem Ki…”?

I sleep with random men I meet in bars. I believe in one night stands.
A lie that one of my friends used with every single guy she met for arranged marriage! Her parents were surprised why the ugliest and the least educated men also rejected their daughter. They never found out!

Tip for the almost 30 ladies. Use the two lies above depending on the men you’re around. If you meet a guy who’s the marriage-marriage kinds, use lie #3 and if you meet the slut of a guy, simple, use #4. But what if you meet someone who’s not on either extreme? Do what Melanie does!

I have slept with just __________ men.
This Melanie’s favourite lie. This number varies. It will always be a little less than what the guy says. Why? “Don’t want to scare him away.” But Mel, would you start a relationship based on a lie? “Well, yea. Because when I tell this lie, we’re not even in a relationship. And once we are, it shouldn’t matter right?” What’s the real number, Mel? “It’s not that high, it’s average by international standards.”

I don’t have sexual fantasies about other men.
I know several women friends who’ve used this lie. So much so, that when we’re discussing sex, their boyfriends/husbands tell me, it is different for women – they are more emotional about sex. We men are wired this way; we can’t help but think about hot chicks in leather panties. And when we have our pajama rounds happening, the women are almost in tears confessing their lust for the gym instructor.

I sleep only with women / I am straight.
One of my very good and dear friends is bi-sexual. She lies to her female partners saying she’s a lesbian. And she tells her male partners she’s straight. Her logic is quite understandable. “People are finicky. I am unlikely to end up with such people. So why miss the opportunity of good sex, which is a rare commodity in any case!"

I make _______________ lacs a year.
One of my brightest friends is a super successful financial consultant. She went out with this guy who was her age, as intelligent and worked for a rival MNC. She had to lie about everything to appear dumber than he was. She actually told him that she earned 1L per annum LESS than he did, because he just couldn’t admit that she was gorgeous and intelligent. He also told her that she didn’t have the brains of getting a 650 on her GMat. Well, she doesn’t need to anymore. She dumped him and is happily married now.

Of course I went home and had a bath after a swim!
I usually bathe in the shower rooms near the swimming pool. But I went out with this guy once who suffered from “Fear of Contamination” and I used to fib to him that I went home and had a bath. But I guess he guessed that I didn’t and kept asking me. I dumped him. I mean if I am not clean enough, then don’t go out with me, but stop bugging the life out of me you clean fool!

I live with my brother and he doesn’t appreciate me bringing men home. In fact, he gets together with his friends and beats the guys up!
That’s Joey for you. Women who live alone enjoy the space to bring men over. Not our Joe. She thinks of it as an invasion of her privacy. It’s weird, but then she is weird right! Come on, she didn’t want to even meet the Unicorn.

I weigh 70kgs.
Women are known to lie about their weight, meaning shoving a few kilos off, right? Well, not me. I add kilos to my actual weight, a whole lot more! Why? That way if he continues to talk to me, he can be pleasantly surprised when I meet him! And if he doesn’t, well, I’m still better off! Doesn’t harm me, does it now?

I like you. Can we go out again?
You’ve heard of women lying to men that they don’t like them, so this seems ridiculous? Well, believe it or not, this lie is used by our very sarcastic Ms. Joe. Why? Well, in her words, “I hardly ever get to wear my nice outfits. Or go out on dates. So the half-decent ones, I just lie to them.” Well, it’s been sooooo long that……we’ll forgive Joe’s lie.

Statutory Warning: This is not to encourage women to lie. This is not even meant to entertain. This is merely to tell the truth about our lies. We are like this only ;)

Noor's 10 worst break-up excuses

Some were given to me, some to my friends. But they have the dubious distinction of being the worst I've encountered.

#10 - "I’ve been thinking and this really doesn’t fit into my plan of things."

This is what my boyfriend in school told me. He couldn't plan his way down an empty street, let alone other 'things'. I think he picked this excuse randomly from some book.

#9 - "I think I’m falling in love with her best friend and I don’t know what to do."

I heard this in college from a guy who was dating a friend of mine. He ‘realized’ that he was falling in love with a friend of hers (not me, thankfully) and didn’t know what to do, so he tells another friend of hers – me. I wanted to throw up. My friend deserved better and I told her about the mindless jerk. She dumped him unceremoniously. Good girl.

#8 - "Come on, I couldn’t call you during my engagement! But you know I love you. Really."

A friend of mine, was cut up when the woman he loved got engaged to someone else. A day after the engagement, she calls him up and says these words. Common sense tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around and finally listened to it. Phew.

#7 - "I’m going to marry you. As soon as I divorce her."

Heard this one too often. All you smart women out there – dump the married man. Please.

#6 - "I don’t know whether my mother will like you."

This coming from a guy who was a few years younger than me was a bit too much. Bye bye, Norman Bates.

#5 - "I don’t how it happened, I’m sure I don’t love her. Really."

I once dated a guy who couldn’t spell ‘extraordinary’. This same guy sent his ex-girlfriend an ‘I loovvve yoouuu’ mail. And then, asked me to check his mail for him. Gave me his password. When I saw the ‘failure delivery’ msg to that mail, and confronted him – these were his brilliant words. Thank you, universe, for gifting me this ridiculous excuse to break up with him.

#4 - "I started feeling that you weren't there for me."

Two years in a long-distance relationship. I gave up my sleeping hours for this guy. Worked all day and then talked at night. There were nights I'd get 3 hours of sleep, and yet I'd get up and proof-read his projects. Then, I got a job where I had to travel a lot. A month later, I get this never-ending mail - which could be condensed to this one line. Said my goodbyes and spent the next half year travelling and NEVER regretted it.

#3 - "I can’t deal with how much you think."

Told to a friend of mine. Who is gorgeous, articulate, entertaining. But oh, she's also smart. Damn, I guess that was just too much for him. Well, at least he was smart enough to know how dumb he was. I'll give him that much.

#2 - "I think I like you as a sister/brother now."

Bleagh. I know lots of people who feel this way about their Ex's, but it's pretty gross to hear this when you're still in love with the other person.

#1 - "I didn't get the time. Really."

3 years of being together + one year of a bad break-up + one year of reconciliation. At the end of which I found out that he was cheating on me. When I asked him why he didn't tell me, I got this priceless gem. I had to laugh. Couldn't he have made something up? Something less mundane, something less boring? I mean 5 years of being together, one way or the other, deserved a little more imagination! Ah, well - it got to No. 1 on this list.

A (Very) Short History of Mes Amours

This is why I keep all my old diaries. Yes, they record the most humiliating, embarrassing, idiotic moments of my life, but they're also kinda like movies that are so bad they're good.

So, here it goes--a short history of the amours of Joey, from teenage to adulthood. (It's not a complete history, of course, a complete history would require a blog post the size of the Bible.)

1994: Sushant has hair like Bruce Lee. I think he likes me. He wrote "sexy" in the dust on the seat of my Kinetic. He recorded a cassette just for me. The first song on Side A is "Kya Ada Kya Jalwa Tere Paro". He said it reminds him of me.

1996: Ravi definitely likes me. Yesterday, he threw water balloons at me and then followed me to school. He's old, he's in college but he has a nice smile. I'm definitely in love with him.

1997: Prashant wants to talk to me but granny will skin me alive if she knows I'm talking to boys so we made up a code and I gave him my phone number. When he calls, he'll say "scout's" and we'll talk only if I reply "honour". I think I'm going to fail the Hindi paper. I hate Premchand.

1998: Taslim set fire to the chairs today. He is so handsome.

1999: Selva broke up with me. Last week he said I had nice legs. This week he said he doesn't want to see me again. I am having feelings of great sadness and loneliness. I think I'll go hide in the basement library.

2000: The world is going to end this year. I can feel it in my bones. I wonder if I should call Mansur. Maybe not. I don't think he's my boyfriend. I'm not sure, though. I have no idea what's happening. I feel funny.

2001: Rana has a girlfriend. Dammit. I wonder if I should be a slut and use my feminine wiles to break them up. If they get married, I'll hunt them down and torture them.

2002: Why didn't the fucking world end in 2000? Arun's mother told me that I led her son down paths of sin. Who says things like "paths of sin"? Psycho bitch. He didn't even stand up for me. Asshole.

2003: Colin is an ignorant moron. He had a Degas print on his wall and didn't even know what it was. He said that art is of no value to anyone, just because I recognized it and he doesn't know jackshit. I will never see him again.

2004: I can't stand Jatti. I don't understand why I'm dating him. I think I'll date him for one more month, see how it goes. Why am I sleeping with a Jat called Jatti?

2005: Oh my god. Feroze is stalking me. Wanker. I saw his car parked outside my house last night and he was still sitting there when I went out this morning. If he gets within talking distance I'm going to kick him in his goolies.

2006: I haven't been on a date this year. Damn. I miss sex.

2007: I haven't been on a date this year. I don't even miss sex.

2008: I've started talking to myself all the time. Is that normal?

2009: I need more glitter. I like dipping cardboard pieces in Fevicol and then dipping them in glitter. I should learn how to knit too. I could make tiny hats for my pet rocks.

The Unicorn

So...my friend and I were hanging out at her place watching crappy re-runs on TV and we got talking about the Unicorn. The Unicorn is that perfect person, The One, the yin to your yang or the yang to your yin, the caramel on your crème brûlée, the olive in your martini. Then she told me about this guy she knows. Let's call him Mr. X to safeguard his anonymity. She said that Mr. X is the perfect man for me, she wanted to set me up with him. And these are the reasons she listed:

1. He likes watching weird art movies and random Telegu movies. I like watching weird art movies and random Tamil movies.
2. He has nothing in his room except for a cupboard and bed, not a single thing that he doesn't need. I have epileptic fits about excessive consumerism.
3. He likes wandering off whenever he wants to. I like being left to my devices for long stretches of time and would live in a dungeon for the rest of my life if it had a library.
4. He likes to know everything about the music he likes. I like to know everything about anything I like.
5. He is a fitness freak. I am averse to bodies that are out of shape.
6. He wants separate bedrooms and bathrooms. I want separate bedrooms and bathrooms.
7. He does not want children. I do not want children.
8. He quotes Nietzsche. I quote from everywhere.

While she says all this, I realize that I never want to meet this guy. Ever. The conversation runs out, I leave, and as I walk home, I am thinking about this Unicorn. My friend wants an answer tomorrow, she wants to know if she can set us up. Why do I never want to meet him?

My friend, the same one I was talking to about Mr. X, had told me, "Relationships are all about compromises, you must be more accepting of other people, and have a positive outlook on life." And I said to her, "Fuck that." I don't see acceptance and compromise as an integral part of any relationship that I can be involved in. I am riddled with pessimism and doubt, I think hope is overrated, I delight in the sardonic and sarcastic, I detest idealism, question those "sincere" things that people say, laugh at noble thoughts. All in all, I never want to tiptoe through the tulips of other people's great feelings and emotions.

"You'll never find anyone," my friend told me. I realized she might be right. But I also realized that I couldn't care less. I'm quite okay if I live all alone and become the crazy old cat lady who gets eaten by the neighbour's dachshund.

However, I still don't have an answer to why I don't want to meet the Unicorn. Maybe if I met the Unicorn, everything would become perfect and boring. Maybe I'd rather be like Bertie Wooster and have sudden short-lived infatuations than anything permanent. Maybe I can't stand the thought of change. Maybe it's Maybelline.

I think of the words of the beloved Zenmaster Linji, "If you meet the Buddha, kill him."

The next day I call my friend and tell her, "I don't want to meet the Unicorn. Just like I don't want to meet the Easter Bunny. " "Fine," she said, "Stay holed up in your room forever. Don't come crying to me when you're forty and all alone."

I shrug and hang up. When I'm forty, I'm going to Ulan Bator and eat khorkhog with the nomads.

The Married Men Mayhem

What IS it with married men? Really are there no single 30-somethings anymore? And why are all married men so effing desperate to get into the pants of an almost-30! If they fancy the excitement, shouldn't they be stalking younger, gullible women?

The strangest things I've heard from married men, and my retorts. I admit, most of them added here, are in hindsight!

Mr. "Jump Right Into Bed" Married Man: My wife's gone to her mother's house!
Maya: Is she so embarrassed that she can't take you there?

Mr. "Testing Various Grounds" Married Man: Are you feeling lonely?
Maya: No, it's entertaining to see you get rejected by women every few minutes.

Mr. "I'm Too Sexy For My Pants" Married Man: My wife says I'm great in bed!
Maya: Oh poor you! You believe her, don't you?

Mr. "Sexy Talk" Married Man: I like the colour of your lingerie.
Maya: Do you want me to pack it in a plastic bag and give it to you to take home?

Mr. "Horny Walk" Married Man: You could be a model for Playboy!
Maya: Yes, I know. And when I do, buy the mag and get off on it.

Mr. "Crass, No Class" Married Man: I get really aroused when I see nudes of Angelina Jolie.
Maya: Funny, that's what your wife said to me a few minutes ago!

Mr. "Oh Poor Me" Married Man: It's tough being in a long-distance marriage. My wife lives in Delhi, I live here.
Maya: Yea, but that's the only way she can actually stand you!

Mr. "Gets Corny When Horny" Married Man: You're the most beautiful woman in the room tonight.
Maya: Shit! I owe your wife a 1000 bucks now, why DID you have to say that!

Mr. "Reads Linda Goodman" Married Man: They say opposites attract. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus!
Maya: May be that's why I'm repelled by you. I am just like you. I drool over pretty women!

Mr. "Takes the Cake" Married Man: My wife and I are like brother and sister.
Maya: Gosh, there's honesty, but telling me that you're a sister-f*&^er! Man!